Work Jokes and Quotes

In visiting this website for fun the last thing you probably what to be reminded of is work. Nevertheless, here are some jokes on the theme of work.

My dream job would be driving the Karma bus.

Moaning about other people not working really makes the day fly by.

I need a six month holiday. Twice a year.

Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Homer Simpson

As a jockey I work with horses, but at least it's a stable job.

The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job.

When I was sacked as a dermatologist they gave me an E45.

Today I'm off work with a slipped disk. I mean, I accidentally slipped a Call of Duty disk into my Xbox.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

He who hesitates is bossed.

Dumb psychopaths end up in jail; smart psychopaths end up as your boss.

Voluntary work – I wouldn't do that if you paid me.

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Jerome K. Jerome

I became a policeman because I wanted to be in a business where the customer is always wrong.

Employees who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

I’m a recovering workaholic.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Every piece of equipment in our office is covered by insurance, except the clock. But our employees are always watching that.

It's difficult to say what work my wife does: she sells seashells on the seashore.

I used to work at the unemployment office. Really hated it because when they fired me, I still had to show up at work the next day.

Q: How many people work in this office?
A: About half of them.

We used to have a guy working here who used to say: "I take orders from no one." Unfortunately he was in the sales department.

I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 20% Tuesday, 30% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 5% Friday.

People often ask me how I got my job as a book editor, well to cut a long story short...

If you're not fired with enthusiasm you will be fired with enthusiasm.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

I applied for a job as a Child Psychologist but apparently I'm too old.

If a project is going wrong, always blame one of your colleagues — but not an intelligent one.

I never drink coffee at work. It keeps me awake.

I once had a job in a pet cemetery. I didn't do much as I was a dogsbody.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

To err is human, but evidently to blame things on somebody else shows management potential.

Items to send new workers to retrieve from the warehouse: a tub of elbow grease, a pair of rubber scissors, a tin of stripped paint, a dozen sky hooks, a long weight, a bucket of steam, a left-handed screwdriver.

Crime doesn't pay. Does that mean my job is a crime?

For every person who wants to teach there are approximately thirty who don't want to learn.

W.C. Sellar

I was a shepherd one, but got fired because I'd always fall asleep during the inventory.

You don't have to be an idiot to work here. We'll train you.

Dressed in orange and detained without trial; how would you like to work for B&Q?

It's the little things in life that count. Like my salary.

I don't mind going to work, it's the eight hour wait to go home that messes me up.

Never give up a seat for a lady. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Milton Jones

I was about to take a job as an enumerator for the government. Thank goodness I came to my census!

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.

John Gotti

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Twitter.

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.

Scott Adams

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