Wordplay Jokes and Quotes

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Studying. Notice how they put 'dying' at the end of the word.

When signing a letter with "Regards" remember that the T and G key are very close!

Mother-in-law is an anagram of Woman Hitler.

Looks like the days of good grammar is went.

You put the pro in procrastination. And the crass.

We're against bureaucracy, hypocrisy, and anything ending in 'y'.

Johnny Rotten

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is: don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

If you say “Beer Can” with a British accent then you're saying “Bacon” in a Jamaican accent.

'I' before 'e' except after 'c' has been disproved by science.

If there's one musician who loves to laugh at his own jokes, it's ROFL Harris.

Whoever put the letter 'b' in the word 'subtle' deserves a pat on the back.

The reason why most buildings have lobbies is because of the influence of the lobby lobby.

Mix your metaphors, it's not rocket surgery.

A man's grammar, like Caesar's wife, must not only be pure, but above suspicion of impurity.

Edgar Allan Poe

Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

The letter N is annoying because it always wants to be the centre of attention.

I've taken up speed reading. I can read 'War and Peace' in 20 seconds. It's only 3 words but it's a start.

What single word can be a long sentence?
Prison

When Carol Vorderman got married she and her husband exchanged vowels.

'I' is the most popular letter in the alphabet.

Woman, without her man, is nothing.
Woman: without her, man is nothing.

Why Punctuation Matters

You know what they say about French dance teachers, those who can cancan do, those who can't cancan teach.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

There's now a record number of male hairdressers in this country. More evidence of our society's descent into barberism.

Comic Sans Type

Katie Holmes is an anagram of Tom likes a he.

The average amount of your kindness to others is your mean friendliness.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

George Carlin

"What do we want?"
"A cure for dyslexia."
"When do we want it?"
"Own."

These are genuine products but not fit for export...
Danish Mints called Sor Bits.
Scandinavian toilet paper called Krapp.
Swedish toffee bar call Plopp.

Wensleydale lies between Tuesleydale and Thursleydale.

Arthur Smith

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

How come there is no other name for thesaurus?

I used to be quite good at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

I've always been bad at spelling - not sure whether it's nature or nurture.

'I am' is the shortest sentence in the English Language. 'I do' is the longest.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Avoid clichés like the plague.

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Steve Wright

2B or not 2B. That is the pencil.

Puns are bad, but poetry is verse.

They are fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

My spell czech is still broken.

Whoever invented the copyright symbol should have a fortune by now.

If FedEx and UPS merged, would they be called 'Fed UP'.

A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with. And a conjunction is a bad thing to begin a sentence with.

A Similie is like a Metaphor that doesn't believe in itself. A Metaphor is a Simile that takes itself too seriously.

I came, I saw, I bought...Veni, Vidi, Visa.

I have a bit of advice for hungry young comedians – eat something.

Tommy Cooper

Simon Cowell is an anagram of: Come, swill on.

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Is there another word for synonym?

I speak two languages, Body and English.

Everything begins with e.

English is funny. Fat chance and slim chance mean the same.

Handy hint: How to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i.

Bonfire Night: If you're called Guy, keep away from bonfires tonight. If you're called Catherine, keep away from wheels.

I'm not one to brag, but I'm pretty confident I could win a spelling cometition.

IKEA is pronounced 'I Queue Here'.

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

If you’re nice to proofreaders they'll save your as.

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