Technology Jokes and Computer Oneliners

I think you'll agree with the joke that the people who invented the Internet never would have got around to doing it if they'd had the Internet.

Legend has it that the atom was split when a bunch of scientists working late decided to order pizza.

Fran Lebowitz

My Internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible!

You know you've been on the Internet for too long when you've forgotten your childrens' names.

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, cocktails...

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach them to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

I made my dog a Facebook page. Now he has more friends than me.

I've just stuck a picture of Jimmy Wales at the top of every page of my old encyclopaedia.

After I die, they will look through my tweets and see that my life was not wasted.

First World Problems: The wireless Internet I am stealing isn’t very fast.

ANY KEY will initiate hard drive format. Continue? Y or N

If you can't fix a bug - write it in the documentation as a feature.

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.

Henry Ford

Press any key to continue, where's the any key?

Homer Simpson

Before there was an Internet, people probably spent a lot of time wondering what to do with all their pictures of cats.

To err is human and to blame it on computers is even more so.

The main difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman is that the used car salesman can probably drive and knows when he's lying.

Our new computer system is about as much use as a cat flap in a submarine.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

"Press to test" "Release to detonate"

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

The Universe was obviously an open source project, otherwise it wouldn't have been documented so badly.

No keyboard found. Press F1 to continue.

A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

The race is between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

I've been asked to promote a new lottery for geeks; you've got to be in I.T. to win it.

How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?

A customer couldn't get on the Internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

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