Stupid Jokes and Quotes - II

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore backside by placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed will remove the stains.

I have a complex about my simplicity.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

Michael Winner

A good way to save water is to dilute it.

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.

George Bush

My favourite animal is steak.

Don't talk to me about freedom of speech.

I always plan to be carefree.

Just bought a 'low energy light bulb' at B & Q. The Assistant asked, "Will you be putting this up yourself?" I said, “No, its going in the lounge.”

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Do the manufacturers of foolproof items keep some fools on their payroll to test out their items?

I is a college student.

Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.

The two most common elements in the universe: hydrogen and stupidity.

Paying for psychiatrist proves your crazy.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

He took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.

Tell a man that there are 100 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

What time is the six o'clock news is on?

The top ten reasons why I procrastinate: 1.______

I'm just like the twin brother I never had.

No one has ever complained of our parachutes not opening.

It's not denial, I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

“I thought they didn't let people withdrug convictions into America.”
“It's not so much a conviction as a strongly held belief.”

I bet you I could stop gambling.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Homer Simpson

They say you use only 10% of your brain. What about the other 10% ?

I have a complex about my simplicity.