Stupid Jokes and Dumb Quotes

It's always funny when folks get it wrong. Here are some oneliner jokes about stupidity.

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanlon's Razor

Top Tip: Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

“Honey, listen closely... beauty fades, but dumb is forever!"

Judge Judy

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.

Single cell organisms would beat him in an IQ test.

Generally, all generalisations are false.

I got kicked out of MENSA for being too much of a smart arse.

Deja Moo. The feeling you've heard this bull before.

We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means.

At the restaurant I said: "I will have the pizza cut into quarters please. There's no way I can eat eight pieces.”

Why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder?
There's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

They misunderestimated me.

George Bush

I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.

Bart Simpson

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Emo Philips

Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.

Homer Simpson

He once told me he would write his autobiography as soon as he figured out who the main character would be.

I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man – I hate those people.

She said that all the sights in Rome were called after London cinemas.

Nancy Mitford

If there's one thing hypocrites hate, it's hypocrisy.

He'd kill for the Nobel Peace prize.

I studied to be a bone specialist because the tutor said I had a head for it.

Let's have some new clichés.

Sam Goldwyn

What's the recipe for ice cubes?

I know I'm dumb, yet I'm smarter than almost everyone I meet.

Joe Rogan

You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.

How does fax paper go through the wires and arrive at the other office?

Yes, the Great Fire of London was started in a bakers shop in Pudding Lane, in 1666. I wonder if it's still there.

Dave Lee Travis

The other day I saw a man with with wooden legs but the feet were real.

Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.

Harry got very excited after finished a jigsaw in only six months. On the box it said, ‘From two to four years’.

Biodiversity – That's a kind of washing powder, right?

Nobody has a stroke of dumb luck without thinking they can have a stroke of dumber luck.

The blonde thought that Doris Day was a national holiday.

I like to think my appeal is becoming more selective.

He couldn't tell you which way the elevator is going if you gave him two guesses.

I’ll ruin you. You’ll never waitress in Torquay again!

Basil Fawlty

- When I was 15 the doctor told me I'd have to start taking insulin or I'd die.
- So, what did you decide to do then?

Early Doors

Plan to be more spontaneous.

For as long as I can remember I've had amnesia.

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

If your moving house then first put your goldfish in the freezer to prevent transport spillage.

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

Subscribe to One Liner Jokes RSS feed

Oneliners, jokes and funny quotes © 2011-2015