Sport Jokes and Quotes
Sport gives us an never ending supply of jokes. I've put the football ones in a separate area see - Football jokes
I advise you, don't mess with me. I know karate, kung fu, judo and tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 20 other dangerous words.
'Play it where it lies' is a golf fundamental. The other is 'Wear it if it clashes'.
Golf killed Bing Crosby – his last words were 'that was a great game, fellahs'
I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.
Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six and write down five.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy protestants, its now open to anyone who owns hideous clothing.
The reason a golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
I entered a swimming contest at the weekend. I won the 100 metre butterfly. What the heck am I going to do with an insect that big?
Golf is like a love affair: if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun.
If you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.
At golf, I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.
Harry has a beautiful short game – unfortunately it's off the tee.
Don't wind me up, just had a terrible round of golf – I only hit two good balls all day and that was when I stood on a rake.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
I backed a horse in last year's Grand National at 10 to 1. It came in at quarter to 4.
Now there are drug tests everywhere in sport. Even the old guys who play crown green bowls, they've been giving urine samples. They didn't mean too.
Why does Mexico’s Olympic teams do so poorly?
Any Mexican who can run jump or swim is in the United States.
Some tennis players are witches. For example. Goran. Even he's a witch.
Perry Mason was faster around the court than Greg Rusedski.
Andy Murray's out of the US open and he's said to look utterly distraught. Glad to see he's cheered up a bit.
At the Olympic games some the the winners' samples did a lap of honour.
Shooting can only be really classed as a sport when birds have guns.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he's sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worse films in the history of the world.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait while fisherman waits and lies.
I have a black eye in karate.
After only one Karate lesson I can break boards with my cast.
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
Ring Walsall FC and ask them what time the game starts... “What time can you get here?” will be the reply.
- What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
All those tough guy boxers fighting over a purse.
Whenever I have a fight I take a photo and put it in my album. It's my scrapbook.
I watched the marathon yesterday. There was a person dressed as a chicken and one dressed as an egg. I still never saw which came first!
Olympic athletes: disguise that you are on steroids by running a bit slower.
I bought a book called '10 Steps To Increase Your Long Jump Record'. I thought "Well, that's cheating."
She never learnt to swim because she couldn't keep her mouth shut for that long.
Don't marry a tennis player – love means nothing to them.