Silly Jokes and Quotes

What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through someone’s letterbox and shouting, “Help,help,the Martians have landed”.

Ken Dodd

Don't criticize nudists. They were born that way.

What do we want? Time Travel. When do we want it? It's irrelevant!

I've got a friend who's very well-to-do. Or to be precise, he's got a lot of welding to do.

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down when a voice from the next cubicle said: "Hi, how are you?"
Embarrassed, I said,"I'm doing fine".
The voice said,"So what are you up to?"
I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!"
From next door, "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I said "I'm rather busy right now".
The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions."

When they installed bungee ropes in the church tower, the bell ringers hit the roof.

There's no sense in being pessimistic; it wouldn't work anyway.

I first performed stand-up when I was eleven months old.

Who would have thought Velcro would catch on?

Just for a laugh change your name to Simon and started speaking in the third person.

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it.

If an interviewer asks what your strengths are, don’t tell them that you’re a good kisser… show them!

When I say "please bear with me", I just want you to pretend to be a bear with me.

Windmills, I'm a big fan, big, big fan!

So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut.

There's no future for Exit signs, they're on the way out.

I've just bought a wind-up radio. Turned it on. It said your wife’s fat and your ugly.

I started a support group for introverts but nobody came.

First thing this morning I was cross-dressing. Grrh, especially when I couldn't find my socks.

A Minnesota woman gave birth while at the bank. The worst part is she was penalized for early withdrawal.

Quick gag for all you Telepaths out there…………

5 out of every 3 people have trouble understanding fractions.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

My memory is not as good as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as good as it used to be.

I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they mess up I will just hit them all at once.

I bet Dracula does all his shopping online, just so he can keep clicking on 'Your Account'.

Last year at the beginning of August, we planted our first bulb and at Christmas we had the most charming little bedside lamp.

Eric Morecombe

My uncle was thrown out of a mime show for having a seizure. They though he was heckling.

Jeff Shaw

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

When you point a finger in blame, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you. That’s why I point with my thumb: then there are 4 fingers pointing at the guy next to me.