Relationships Jokes and Quotes

It's a poor relationship if you can't find some funny jokes to share.

I can't believe how much my wife spends on cosmetics. Why can't she just use PhotoShop?

The other day I proposed to an indigenous New Zealander. I said will you Maori me?

My wife says I know how to push all her buttons. But I have yet to find the 'Mute' button.

I always pay my alimony on time, because if I ever fall behind, I'm afraid she might repossess me.

Life is one fool thing after another, whereas love is two fools things after each other.

Oscar Wilde

When Archimedes discovered the mathematical principle governing the ratio of husbands to children he shouted "Ulrika!".

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Honore de Balzac

Women always worry about the things that men forget;
men always worry about the things women remember.

He took his misfortune like a man – he blamed it on his wife.

Bob Phillips

I miss my ex...but my aim is getting better.

Never marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Scottish Proverb

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

Walter Matthau

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as for living in California, when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

If she wants our relationship to be equal, my imaginary girlfriend has lots of making up to do.

I had the best day ever. I ran into my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend... with my car.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes jobs, he still ends up with the same boss.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

Bill Cosby

Beware the pull on your heartstrings - it's often the pursestrings that are actually being reached for.

Marriage isn't a word it's a sentence.

In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.

Ambrose Bierce

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

Woody Allen

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Rodney Dangerfield

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

When it comes to finding available men in Minnesota,
the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

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