National Jokes and Quotes
We all have to come from one location, region and nation. So let's treat people who come from elsewhere all the same - by telling jokes. As an Englishman, even if alone, I form an orderly queue of one.
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer; then on the way home grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab; to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Boasting about modesty is typical of the English.
I like a man to be a clean, strong, upstanding Englishman who can look his gnu in the face and put an ounce of lead in it.
Britain gave the world courtesy, table-manners and slavery.
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.
The way to ensure summer in England is to have it framed and glazed in a comfortable room.
There's an old song to the effect that the sun never sets on the British Empire. Well, while we were there, it never even rose.
Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.
The British gave away an Empire and received, in return, the street-corner Tandoori house.
It was awfully muggy in London today. I only popped out for an hour and got mugged three times.
East Angular – that's abroad innit?
A hammer around here is known as a Birmingham screwdriver.
Who thinks Freud is how Brummies like their eggs?
I thought Reuters were novelists form Birmingham.
Rome wasn't built in a day. That's Milton Keynes you're thinking of.
A woman goes into a hairdresser's in Newcastle and says,'Can I have a perm, please?' And the hairdresser goes,'I wandered lonely as a cloud'.
The word 'gay' in Newcastle means 'owns a coat'.
Nobody can be truly English until he can say 'really' in 17 different ways.
What is it about Blackpool, this jewelled magnet, that draws the Barnsley jet-set back year after year?
He was born in Luton or, as EasyJet call it, London.
A Londoner – one who has never been to Madame Tussauds.
Brighton is a town that looks as if it has been out on the tiles all night. It looks like it's permanently helping the police with its enquiries.
No matter how politely you ask a Parisian a question, he will persist on answering you in French.
The reason French streets have trees planted down both sides is that the Germans like to march in the shade.
An Irishman is only at peace when he's fighting.
Sometimes I feel that the whole world is against me, but deep down I know it's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
Ireland should be the wealthiest country on Earth, by now.
Their capital has been Dublin for years.
The Irish are famously heavy drinkers but how does that happen? There conversation hardly leaves time to shallow anything.
The Irish are a fighting race who never won a battle, a pious race excelling in blasphemy.
Ireland has a great reputation as a literary nation. You walk into any pub in Dublin and it's full of writers and poets. In most other countries they're called drunks.
Ireland has the honour of being the only country which never persecuted the Jews – because she never let them in.
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Phone him when he's doing his ironing.
There are over 30 words in the Irish language which are equivalent to the Spanish ‘manana’. But somehow none of them conveys the same sense of urgency
If there were only three Irishmen left in the world you'd find two of them in a corner talking about the other.
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
I asked a Scotsman, “Did you have spots as a teenager?”
He said,”Ach nee”.
Outside a Glasgow police station a large poster headed 'Man Wanted for Murder'... and 200 jocks applied for the job.
What's the difference between a Scotsman and coconut? You can get a drink out of a coconut.
Get your haggis right here. Chopped heart and lungs boiled in a wee sheep's stomach. Tastes as good as it sounds. Good for what ales you.
The noblest prospect that a Scotsman ever sees is the high road that leads him to England.
It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied, 'Achh-neeee.'
If polish people are called poles then why aren’t people from Holland called holes?