Music Jokes and Quotes
Actually, I'm a professional singer. People pay me not to sing.
U2's guitarist is called The Edge. But when he was at school he was a border.
Why do all these old bands keep copying glee songs?
I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.
I only rap caucasinally.
For songwriting skills, Take That fans have set the Barlow.
Pink Floyd? I didn't know she had a last name.
My neighbours listen to very good music, whether they like it or not.
Beethoven used the “#” tag in front of everything before Twitter.
I bought an audio cleaning CD. I'm a big fan of theirs.
Michael Bolton had nine hits last year!... on his website.
If you hear bad music, it is one's duty to drown it out by one's conversation.
Eurovision was like listening to Borat's Greatest Hits
*WARNING* if you see an email saying, "2 free tickets to see James Blunt", DO NOT open it! It contains 2 free tickets to see James Blunt!
I'll never call Elton John by his full title. No Sir E.
Until the Iraq War, most of us thought Sunni and Shia were the Sixties duo who had the hit 'I Got You Babe.'
In the 1980s, an old lady approached me and asked,'Mr Elton, may I have your autograph?' I told her that I wasn't Elton but David Bowie. She replied,'Oh, thank goodness, I couldn't stand his red hair and all that make up'.
A journalist asked,”Can I read music?” Er, yes, it's a simple five letter word.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a Pete Doherty song.
Just reading The Chubby Checker Story. No spoilers please, apparently there's a twist.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to keep the guitar player from hogging the light.
I couldn't tell you the names of any operas, but a tenor could aid my memory.
Bagpipes sound exactly the same when you have finished learning them as when you started.
The Eagles eventually left Hotel California when they realised the door said 'PULL' rather than 'PUSH'. They never mention this in the song.
Just taking Bonnie Tyler for a coffee. So far she's spurned a Costa and a Starbucks. I think she's holding out for a Nero.
We now have rappers who used to be gangsters and thugs telling us not to download music because it's stealing.
When you eat a lot of spicy food you can lose your taste. Last summer in India I listened to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Two prisoners were waiting to be executed. 'Any last request?' ask the jailer. 'Yes,' replied the first prisoner, 'I love music, so before I die could you play me, 'Everything I do' by Bryan Adams'
And the second prisoner said, 'Kill me first'
I asked a friend of mine "What's Lulu's biggest hit?", he said "Shout", so I said "WHAT'S LULU'S BIGGEST HIT?"
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down'.
How did Bob Marley like his donuts? Wi Jammin.
A drummer decides to learn to play a ‘real’ musical instrument. He goes into the music store and says, “I’ll take that red trumpet and that accordion.” The sales assistant replies “Okay, you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Church singers – they're an a-choired taste.
I'm read the latest Velvet Underground biography. Not brilliant, but it's a good loo read.
The neighbours love it when I play piano. They break my windows to hear it better.
He’s really a very talented man. Whatever musical instrument you give him he’ll always get some kind of noise out of it. Usually a sort of snapping sound, admittedly.
I studied the piano for several years, before realizing it was a musical instrument made out of wood.
Actually, my CD was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
When I dance people think I’m looking for my keys.
Every theatre is a madhouse, but an opera is the ward for the incurables.
"Sitting on the cubicle loo; waiting for someone to use the hand dryer" was Otis Redding's disappointing first draft.
The Sheryl Crow song 'It's Hard To Make A Stand' is actually about Ikea.
Opera is a from of entertainment where there is always too much singing.
What's the range of a viola? Thirty yards if you have a strong arm.
All DJs talk like cheeky sons-in-law chatting up mums-in-law.
Favourite Paul Weller song? That one from Grease. "Oh weller, weller, weller, uh. Tell me more..."