Health Jokes and Quotes - II
When I worked in a health food shop and people would come and say, “Evening Primrose Oil?”, I would reply,”Please call me Dave.”
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. Well, I say recovering; I have a hangover.
I wish I could remember the joke I heard about Alzheimer’s.
It's healthy like low salt vodka, sugar-free lard, fat-free sweets.
If I'd have know I was going to live this long I'd have taken greater care of myself.
If you believe the doctors, nothing is wholesome;
if you believe the theologians, nothing is innocent;
if you believe the military, nothing is safe.
One psychiatrist I know uses shock treatment. He gives you the bill in advance.
Due to a mix up in urology, orange is off the hospital menu this morning.
Sorry, I don't trust acupuncturists, they're a bunch of back stabbers.
What's the difference between depression and gastroenteritis?
In the former the bottom falls out of your world, and in the other, the world…
Just because I have ADD doesn't mean that ... Oh, look! A chicken!
When I'm feeling depressed, I like to cut myself... another piece of cake.
I assume medical training include lectures on how to write unintelligibly.
I took everything with a pinch of salt and now I've hypertension.
The Department of Health issued a press release containing an inappropriate apostrophe in their name. D'OH!
Casualty is now in it's twenty sixth series. Ironically it's not getting any better.
The doctor told me I have Attention Deficit something or another.
The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too.
I’m a recovering workaholic.
If my dentist attended dental school, it must have been in the holidays.
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said with my face I don't need one.
Wait, are you're cranky in the morning? You may have Early Morning Fatigue Disorder.
I’m a kleptomaniac but I’m taking something for it.
During the war my nan was an army midwife, she was in C-section.
“Why are you jumping up and down?”
“I've just taken my medicine and forgot to shake the bottle.”
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.