Health Jokes and Quotes

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Johnny Carson

Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac – it makes me sick.

The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

Today I tried to donate blood but they had too many questions about where I got it.

I have metal filling in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen and that's why I can't lose weight.

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven't got.

You think you have it bad. I got addicted to placebos.

Who are the most decent people in a hospital?
Answer: The ultrasound people.

I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

Take the health warning about sodium intake with a pinch of salt.

You should consult my doctor, you won't live to regret it.

I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.

In our local hospital the consultants brag about having statistics that are 30% better than Dignitas.

With my health record, I should do well with a job application to work for the independent health regulator, Ofsick.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin

I've bought a bottle of sleeping tablets, on the label was: WARNING - may cause drowsiness.

Whatever is on the floor will wind up in the baby's mouth. Whatever is in the baby's mouth will wind up on the floor.


What's the most commonly misspelt blood group? Typo.

After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Spike Milligan

Just got the bill for my op. Now I know why those guys wear masks.

Jim Boren

A natural death is where you die by yourself without the aid of a doctor.

Mark Twain

I find a bookstore is a wonderful laxative.

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm a light eater; as soon as its light, I start eating.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Doug Larson

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

Who are the most decent people in a hospital?
Answer: The ultrasound people.

I finally have a dental plan. I chew on the other side.

Last week I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids. First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.

Can acupuncture do anything for pins and needles?

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