Football Jokes and Quotes
The manager's knowledge of football could be put on a postage stamp. He wanted to sign Salford Van Hire because he though he as a Dutch International.
A Norwich player was seriously concussed on Saturday after a nasty clash of heads. No other player was involved.
If you have a fortnight's holiday in Dublin you qualify to play for the national side.
The long ball down the middle is like pouring beer down the toilet. It cuts out the middle-man.
The club made some new signings, but its like putting lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.
They say that football is a game of two halves. Not for me. I regularly down eight or nine pints while watching a live game on Sky in my local.
It took a lot of bottle for Tony Adams to own up to his drink problem.
I was watching Germany and I got up to make a cup of tea. I bumped into the telly and Klinsmann fell over.
I used to play football in my youth but then my eyes went bad so I became a referee.
They say the new striker I'm marking is fast. Maybe, but how fast can he limp?
The referee was booking everyone. I thought he was filling in his Lottery numbers.
I got 14 bookings this season, 8 of which were my fault and 7 of which were disputable.
New yoga course called “Wigan Goalkeeper”. You stretch, bend, pick up the ball, and repeat another 6 times.
We have a long term plan for this club and apart from the results it's going well.
He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it- you can see it all over their faces.
At today's match the referee's breast pocket was starting to look like a toaster!
My mate's a West Ham fan and all his Christmas decorations are inflatables. He said to me,” I'm forever blowing baubles.”
Reporter: What's your impression of Leeds?
Gordon Strachan: I don't do impressions.
Compared to goalkeeper David James, Dracula was more comfortable with crosses.
When Paolo D'Canio pushed over the referee, if the ref had been a player he'd have been booked for diving.
We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought.
Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.
The best way to watch Wimbledon is on Ceefax.
He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces.
Manchester United have made a £40 million pound bid for a Swiss superstar. Barcelona say their ref is not for sale at any price!
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