Food & Drink Jokes and Quotes

Health Food: any food whose flavour is indistinguishable from that of the package in which it is sold.

Henry Beard

When cooking I'm over-reliant upon timing the cooking via the smoke detector alarm.

Calories are tiny little creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night.

Do Starbucks still make coffee flavoured coffee?

Are crop circles the work of a serial killer?

Never underestimate the importance of being properly caffeinated.

Wife: A thief has entered our kitchen and he is eating the cake I prepared.
Husband: Do I call for the Police or an ambulance?

If you think Special K is boring, wait till you try Normal K.

I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine. And you will have have a bigger problem if I go without caffeine.

A nightclub just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid. Tonight I'm gonna party like its £19.99

If you can smell smörgås, phone the smörgåsbord.

I often experiment with recipes by adding German white wine. This is nothing formal, just an add hock approach.

That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan.

We lived for weeks on nothing but food and drink.

If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish wake?
One less drinker.

Beer doesn't make you look fat. It make you lean. Lean against tables, bars, walls.

Whiskey is a drink that makes you see double and feel single.

There's a hurricane on the way. They said we should stock up on canned goods. So I went out and bought a case of beer.

Every new McDonald's creates 40 jobs.20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.

I went to a restaurant the other day called 'A Taste of the Raj.' The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.

Harry Hill

You don't eat Mexican food as such, you rent it.

Don’t take a butcher’s advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he’d be a chef.

Andy Rooney

The local butchers advertised: “Lamb for sale. Was £10 now £5”. I thought, that's sheep at half the price.

I went to an Indian restaurant. I thought this smells familiar. Do you ever get that? Deja Vindaloo?

Tell the cook that this steak still has marks on it where the jockey was hitting it.

My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta. I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

MasterChef: "Cooking doesn't get tougher than this".
They clearly haven't tried my wife's steak pie.

What's long and thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and goes in tarts?

I am having a Shepherd's pie for lunch, he's really not happy about it.

I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since the invention of the funnel.

Don't eat anything served to you out of a window, unless you're a seagull.

I've no problem with genetically modified food. It tastes great. I've just had a lovely leg of salmon.

Research tells us twelve out of any ten individuals likes chocolate.

Try spelling Evian backwards.

An alcoholic is one who drinks more than his doctor.

It's not the minutes you spend at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.

A pint of beer produces more than a pint of urine.

Domino's is a good name for a pizza place but a bad name for a construction company.

If you are what you eat, I'm dead meat.

We doesn't need to be Gluten-Free so much as Glutton-Free.

Whiskey is carried into the committee room in demijohns and carried out in demagogues.

Mark Twain

Last night on the way home I called in at the kebab shop and had a doner, which my body rejected.

I get distracted by all the meats in the deli section. It must be my short attention spam.

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