Family Jokes and Quotes

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Mother always believed that labelling children was wrong. This caused havoc in the maternity ward!

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.

Ogden Nash

- I had a pretty tough childhood. At the age of 5, I was left an orphan
- That's ridiculous. What would a 5-year-old do with an orphan.

Eric Morecome & Enrie Wise

Having a two year old is like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

If you can't open a childproof bottle, use pliers or ask a child.

B. Lansky

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

Gary Delaney

I used hear that song that says about believing that children are our future and think it was a trite song. Now I realise it's a warning.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

I wanted to spend more time with my family, but I found my family don't want to spend more time with me.

Greg Dyke

Children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to telling where they're going.

P. J. O'Rourke

Never raise a hand to a child – it leaves your mid-section unprotected.

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

Franklin P. Jones

When I was child the meal consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it.

I decided to have a vasectomy after a family vote on the matter. The kids voted for it eleven to three.

Brendan O'Carroll

Ask your child what he wants for dinner, only if he is buying.

Glasgow. The only place where Father's Day cards are sold in packs of 5.

The purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with half a dozen lions – everyone except school bus drivers.

When I left home my Mum said,”Don't forget to write.” I thought that's unlikely because it's a basic skill.

My teenage son is half-man, half-mattress.

Val Valentine

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that some in the house is happy to see you.

I want to be a stay at home Mom without the kids.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

I was doing some decorating, so I used a step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.

London 2012 Olympics introduces a tough new event: shopping with two children.

Adolescence: a time of rapid change. Between the ages of 12 and 17, a parent can age as much as 20 years.

One thing about parenting is the flexible hours, which can be any arrangement totalling 24/7.

Robert Brault

It's amazing. One day you look at your phone bill and realise your children are teenager.

Milton Berle

If Abraham's son had been a teenager it, wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

Never have children, only grandchildren.

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

My grandfather was on a ship which sunk on 5th November, he let off all the flares but the people on the other ships just went "Ooooh!"

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parent's shortcomings.

If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.

You could sell my mother-in-law's mince pie lids as manhole covers.

When my mother-in-law hangs out her bra to dry we lose an hour of daylight.

Les Dawson

It took time, but I eventually developed an attachment for my mother-in-law. It fits over her mouth.

A miser is a hard person to live with, but he makes a fine ancestor.

We suffer from bad luck in our family. My great granddad once came third in a duel.

My nephew is being referred to a child psychologist. We would rather he saw an adult, but they're just so expensive.

My grandmother took a bath every year, whether she needed it or not.

What's the difference between your mother-in-law and a pit bull? ... Lipstick

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Jerry Seinfeld

My wife's mother tells people I'm effeminate. I don't mind because compared to her, I am.

Les Dawson

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

Oscar Wilde

My wife decided on an underwater birth. The leisure centre manager was furious.

'You're more trouble than the children' is the greatest compliment a grandparent can receive.

Tried to trace my family but they wouldn't lie down on the paper.

Every time you play hangman a stickman family is left without a father.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

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