Animals Jokes and Quotes
Two cows are grazing in a field. One says,”Aren't you worried about mad cow disease?” The other replies,”Not me, I'm a squirrel."
I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritation.
When we installed Lewis the goat in the flat, people kept asking:
"A goat in the flat, what about the smell?"
"Oh, don't worry, he'll get used to that."
Do you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish.
In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.
I rang the vet to complain about over the top fees. He just put the phone down, as quickly and humanely as possible.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Pavlov's cat: Day one: rang bell – cats answered the door.
Day two: cats said they had eaten.
Day three: cats stole the battery.
Day four: cats rang the bell, I ate the food.
If Darwin was right my dog would be able to use a can-opener by now.
Where does a dog go if his tail falls off?
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
My pony has a sore throat. He's a little horse.
When dog food is new and improved with a better taste, who tests it?
Dogs are leaders of the planet. If you see the life forms, one of them making a poop, the other carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
This weekend I'm attending an animal rights barbecue.
Corgis, of course, are bred to approve gas fitters.
I was in Kenya and I spent two weeks on a Land Rover safari. What a waste of time, I didn't see any Land Rovers.
I'm against animal testing. They get all nervous, confused and start answering the wrong questions.
On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.
So I went back to my local pet shop. I said,"I want my money back for this budgie sunbed." The guy said,"that's a toasted sandwich maker."
One rat said to the other rat: ”I've got this psychologist well trained. Every time I ring this bell he brings me food”.
My friend Ena is very giddy. Whenever we meet and I say,'Hi Ena', she laughs her head off.
My dog Minton shallowed a shuttlecock. Bad Minton.
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other,'Can you smell fish?'
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
Two elephants walk off a cliff. Boom, boom.
I've got the memory of an elephant, I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
The shark must be the stupidest animal. Can't he figure out it's better swimming a few feet lower on approach? When is he going to realize that the fin is tipping everyone off?
Where to tadpoles change?
In the croakroom.