Age Jokes

Here are some jokes and oneliners about something that happens to us all - getting older.

You know your old when by the time the last birthday cake candle is lit the first candle has burnt out.

I'm young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

Age is just a number that determines how happy, attractive, and able-bodied you are.

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas.

When someone said "a decade ago", you still think of the early 90s.

When my mother was 90 she took out a funeral plan with Age Concern. She has specified that she want cremation. The letter of confirmation offered her 'a very warm welcome'.

In 63 now, but that's just 17 Celsius.

Everybody my age is getting so old.

I'm not old just chronologically gifted.

I know how to make my wife drive more carefully: I told her that if she has an accident, the newspapers would print her age.

You know old when your ears are hairy than your head. Your friend complement you on your alligator shoes but you're not wearing any shoes. Plus, your blood type is discontinued.

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

They didn't teach history when you were at school, obviously, because history hadn't been invented back then.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

At my age my back goes out more than I do.

When trying to count the candles on his birthday cake, we were driven back by the heat.

The four stages of life:
You believe in Santa Claus;
You don't believe in Santa Claus;
You are Santa Claus;
You look like Santa Claus.

Retirement is when your favourite piece of software is a pillow.

The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women.

They say that 40 is the new 30 but try telling that to a speed camera.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

George Burns

Did you ever notice that when a person over 65 sneezes, they make the same sound a Viking makes when he swings his axe? Also, at a similar volume.

Old age is like everything else: to make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.

Fred Astaire

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